From the far horizons of the unknown come tales of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future, adventures in which you’ll live in a million could-be years on a thousand maybe worlds. The National Broadcasting Company, in cooperation with Galaxy Science Fiction Magazine, presents

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Minus- Minus- Minus- Minus

One- One- One- One!

It’s like trying to crucify yourself. No matter how hard you try, you can’t hammer in the last nail.

If he was at my level of ability when it came to learning the piano, it would have taking him approximately 700 years to be able to play that song so well at the end.

Who can afford eggs these days?

I already know what would happen. My daughter would ignore me and continue talking about obscure anime most Americans have never heard of or whatever. Teenagers could not give less of a fuck. I forgot about how that was.

Sir, we have reports that our rival company programmed an AI that’s only into listening to vaporwave. They tried talking to it, but they can’t get a prompt. All they see is old Winamp visualizer patterns.

Don’t be silly. AI isn’t going to kill us en masse. We’re doing too good of a job of that ourselves before any AI will be powerful enough.

Sorry, not that I would want to write in text form. Part of the engineering process for me involves things like getting the inflection just right when I tell it. Also, I’ve forgotten 99% of it and I’d have to go dig up old notebooks in storage. I haven’t been on stage and behind a mic in at least 15 years. Also, I did somewhat longer-form stuff than one-liners in general.

I had a good long bit about how dogs are better than kids because they’re stupid so you can trick them more easily into doing things to amuse you, but it really is in the way you tell them.

That said, as someone who now has a kid and dogs, I stand by that statement. Fake throwing a ball and having the dog try to find it is one of the funniest things in the world to me.

I like the idea that all of these people are at a truce because they all want to kill Elon and they’re all like, “okay, first this guy, then we do the real Purge.”

That’s sort of a version of an old Soviet joke…

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, “I can’t take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!” After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. The crowd begin to ask if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev. “No, I got to the Kremlin all right, but the line to kill Gorbachev was even longer than here!”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_political_jokes#Gorbachev

(I heard a different version with Khrushchev, but I’m sure it was told a lot.)

This is true. There is no such thing as having too much mac and cheese.

Before last Tuesday, I would have found this comic depressing.

Will do, thanks!

Fuck comedians like that. I did standup comedy for years. I wasn’t a modern day philosopher, I was a guy that (hopefully) made you forget about the shitty week you were having for 5-15 minutes depending on the set (I was never a headliner).

I spent a lot of time crafting my jokes, I did a lot of rewriting and honing and testing of material. I wasn’t a philosopher, I was a joke engineer. That’s really the best way to look at most standup. It’s joke engineering.

Me? No. That person I’m talking to? Yes.

Are you really going to claim there are no conspiracy theories about Jews controlling the world?

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Whatever. I’ll just keep eating mammoth.

100%. That’s why it took me until the end of June to join Lemmy even though the blackout was on June 12th.

And I was already hating Reddit before the blackout. But FOMO made me stay and I feel bad about it.