For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
(Quick aside, I don’t know all the details, so I use a lot of imprecise language to account for uncertainty.)
A very common reason that people like old things is that they are trying to be self sacrificial or frugal to save money. I’m not saying that’s why you are, but it’s important to realize. Your wife could very easily see you always doing this as you trying to be nice and save money for the family/pair of you rather than getting yourself something nice. I’m sort of like that. I have a weird aversion to spending money so don’t always get myself nice things.
Gifts can be given for a lot of different reasons. It’s sort of difficult to quantify why because it’s something emotional. Giving someone a gift card for something can feel better than giving money because it is more specific to their interests, and giving a specific gift is even moreso.
I think your spouse perhaps sees you every day surrounding yourself with things that they view as old and broken and maybe thinks you’re doing it because you don’t want to spend the money or treat yourself to something nice. So for a gift, they may have thought “for once, my spouse deserves something nice, I want them to have something nice and new.”
Then, when you say “I don’t like this, I like my old one” it hurts their feelings perhaps because they think you’re saying it’s a bad gift. They may have put a lot of thought into this expensive gift, maybe even thinking long and hard about what aspects about it you may use more. I think you said it’s a kitchen appliance in another comment? So I’ll assume it’s something like that, just to help explain. Say it’s something like a kitchen top mixer. Maybe they thought about the foods you make and the attachments and may have even thought about specific times you struggled with the older one (that despite working fine, maybe doesn’t have features some new ones have). If all of that is true, when you say it’s not a good gift, you could be saying all that thought and effort was incorrect.
Something frustrating about this is that there isn’t really a right answer. There’s not necessarily an objectively correct answer to whether they should’ve gotten you the gift and whether you were wrong to ask to return it and set a boundary about newer items as gifts. You two are in a relationship. Relationships are about compromise. You brought up the nerdy shirt thing as an example. It could be comparable, but it’s hard to say. If the shirt selection process is something like “my spouse likes superman and there is a superman shirt at the store, I’ll buy it” and their gift selection process is something like “my spouse uses this item nearly every day, this is how they use it, these are the things they struggle with, these are the features they would benefit from having, I’ll get them this one” then no, they aren’t comparable. (But, I don’t know everything, the thought process could’ve just been “let me go to an online store and pick the one with the best reviews” and nothing more.) I don’t wanna make assumptions and apply them, that’s part of why a lot of this is sort of vague and “if if if”, but it could very well be that they didn’t want the shirts in part because they know they won’t wear them and also because they may have thought you weren’t putting a lot of thought into them.
Every relationship is unique. We have to not only think about how we show love, but also how we’re willing to accept being loved. Gift giving is a love language. This gift may have been a very intimate and genuine expression of love from your spouse. Asking them to return it would hurt their feelings very badly. And it sounds like it did if they had to leave the house.
How did you feel when you agreed to not buy them nerdy shirts? Was it just sort of like “okay, I can do that” or was it devastating? Thinking about compromising and how we both show love and accept love, it might not be comparable. If nerdy shirts bother them but you not being able to give them doesn’t upset you, then that’s a win, right? No downside. But if you not wanting something new upsets you and it also really upsets your spouse not being able to give them, then it’s complicated. And whether or not you should accept the gift isn’t really the point I’m making in this moment, I’m just trying to help explain why this situation may not be as comparable to the shirt scenario, despite seeming like it is.
My gut feeling to all of this is that you should just accept gifts. That was how I was raised. Maybe it’s just considered a polite thing because of the culture of where I live (southeast US). But that moment is past. You can’t go back to how you reacted when you opened it so it’s no use talking about. What has happened is that your spouse’s feelings are hurt and you hurt them. It doesn’t matter who is in the right at this moment, what matters is that you hurt them. You need to apologize for hurting their feelings. Try to understand their feelings and apologize for the things you did that hurt them. Don’t provide explanations or defend yourself, because apologies aren’t about who is right and wrong, they’re about who is hurt.
In general, I think asking someone if you can return their gift is pretty rude. I always try to include a gift receipt in case people want to, but getting told to my face “I returned your gift because I didn’t like it” would be upsetting.
I definitely think discussing some new boundaries after this are in order. Not necessarily because either of you did anything wrong (because I also want to give you the benefit of the doubt that this gift may have upset you too), but because this situation led to a scenario where both of you got really upset. Maybe a cash limit on gifts? Maybe gifts over that limit you discuss together? “Honey, you always use that old mixer, and you deserve a new one, I want to get you one.” “No, but thank you, I like this because X and Y.” Or, if the surprise aspect is important to your spouse and they really don’t want to ruin it, maybe you can agree on no gifts over a certain price that are replacements for things you already have? And that if she gets it wrong, you still accept the gift maybe? Maybe you both agree to talk about gifts over that price limit prior to purchase?
Relationships and love can be difficult things. But communication is key. Apologizing is key. Apologize for hurting their feelings without defending your actions or explaining yourself. Once they feel better, talk about what the new boundaries might look like.
I thought this community was a half sarcastic knockoff of the reddit equivalent sub, didn’t actually expect to see a serious post lol.
EDIT: For your own sanity, please take the advice here with a grain of salt
You need to have a conversation regarding the feelings surrounding this with your spouse and what each others’ love language is.
It sounds like part of your spouse’s love language is gift giving, which may be why your rejection of their gifts hurts so much. You may view it as rejecting an object, they may view it as you rejecting their love.
I expect this to be a hard conversation, in part because it is a discussion on how you love each other.
One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.
You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I’m sure she would have been fine with that.
What I wouldn’t have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I “don’t like new things” or “I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine.” That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.
It wasn’t about the “thing”. It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they’re angry.
I completely agree and thank you for articulating it better than I. All my draft replies either read as mean-spirited or dismissive.
So I want to offer an alternative perspective.
I don’t know if OP is coming at if from the same place as me, but I’m broadly anti-consumerist. I prefer using the thing I have until it doesn’t work anymore. When it doesn’t work anymore, I prefer replacing it with something used when possible. If I get something new, I do a lot of research to find something durable and reliable that will last a long time.
There’s a moral aspect to it for me. Every new gadget or tchotchy burns in my mind as future trash, as the sum of all the energy and materials to make and fuel to transport and the resultant pollution. I recycle as much as possible, I limit my consumption as much as possible, when I do have things they are generally books or tools to help me otherwise limit my consumption.
When I get some kitschy thing as a gift, that I don’t need and took resources and generated waste to make, I feel like a vegan being gifted meat. No matter how well-intentioned the giver is, I feel implicated in something that is dirty to me. If you keep telling your family that you’re a vegan, and they keep gifting you meat, any warmth from their intent is dwarfed by the sting that they keep ignoring your wishes.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture. The nicest A5 Wagyu is not a nice gesture to someone who already told you they’re a vegan.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture.
I think this is the heart of it. Really depends on OPs delivery, but if this was at least communicated, I can’t see how they wouldn’t see where OP was coming from too.
It’s so hard in this consumerist society to tell people sometimes it’s a better gesture not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
That’s not what people usually do though. For most people new thing brings joy, (that’s why consumerism is a thing in the first place), so people are buying new thing for you to bring you joy.
Absolutely it is often what people do.
Oh also it doesn’t fucking matter what most people would feel about new things. The gift giver isn’t a stranger. They are married(assuming mother in law comment about the origin of the watch being replaced) and should know by now say least this much about the person they are sharing their life with.
How could you be this oblivious to who your partner is by saying most people would have appreciated it.
Using that reasoning then you are testing your spouse no more intimately than a complete stranger. That would hurt most people…
In requiring this much care for a partner, you need to remember to also give this much care.
It’s not like they took something from him, it was a gift, a gift of a thing he likes, he just got all pissy about how nobody appreciates his hobo aesthetics. When someone gives you a gift, rub some dirt in your new dildo and say thank you for your partner that cares for you and loves you, don’t be a dick.
It think it’s about balance. I have the same view point as yours. Early on, my wife would just get me new things of objects I already had. The difference is timing. I would tell her after the fact to not ruin her mood. She eventually understood and learned.
Every now and then she still does get me a thing I believe I don’t need. But she’s learned to be observant and is usually correct. If it were up to me, I would likely wear socks until all 5 toes are showing through. What I do in this instance is keep the new thing and I make sure I gift the older item to someone in need of it, or as back up for myself if the space allows. I am very much known in my spaces as the person that gives things away. If you’ve been in my life at least 3yrs, you probably own something that belonged to me.
I’m not sure what the relationship is between OP and the partner, but timing of when you tell them, does matter. Don’t do it right when the person has given you the gift, just wait. From what info there is, it doesn’t sound like they are a repeat offender of violating their rules.
Yeah I am honestly taken back at the lack of emotional intelligence in this thread. “HOW DARE YOU NOT UNDERSTAND MY SPECIFIC BRAND OF MISANTHROPE.” Jesus Christ this is some shit most children learn. A gift exchange is a ritual. Complete the fucking ritual you fucking loser, or go hate yourself somewhere else. If someone giving you a fucking gift somehow offends you then deal with it later. Yes, even if you are a vegan receiving Wagyu. A person of even moderate emotional intelligence would laugh about it. “Lmao, you aren’t going to believe this…”
This is pure fundamental attribution fallacy in the most neckbeard way possible.
May I just ask… why? Why this obsession with old and used things? Seems like misplaced concern for the environment/the world.
Misplaced I say because our individual impact is negligible, and 99,99% of all problems stem from like 10 massive polluting corporations.
Because some people don’t think it’s misplaced. It’s not an obsession with old things, it’s an avoidance of new ones. Just because I’m only responsible for a tiny fraction doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore that fraction.
Consumerism is why those massive companies pollute so much in the first place.
If I may ask, why is everyone else so obsessed with new things? Why is it the people who don’t feel the need to constantly buy new products that have to explain themselves? That seems backwards.
I feel like it doesn’t have to be so extreme either way y’know. Getting a new better tool while your old one still (kinda) works is not wasteful. What’s wasteful is for cars to be manufactured purposefully to breakdown earlier. For TVs to break right when warranty expires. That’s something that impacts the world INFINITELY more than you holding on with white fingers to some old shit that’s falling apart.
Right, and buying new stuff when you don’t need it perpetuates all those bad corporate practices. You can want to fix that while also not wanting to personally contribute to the excess.
You and I have different tolerances for waste. I’m not going to preach to you about it, but you should at least respect the wishes of people who want to help in the ways they can.
You’re going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.
100%
OP doesn’t even need to answer, the omission of this kinda indicates they potentially already know why
uhhhh isn’t it a new 3d printer? i thought it is? might be wrong
Nope.
Their partner got them their last 3d printer. Whatever this item is, the version they want to keep is something that came from their mother in law.
Oh you know what, you might be right. I read that part as a non sequitur
On the other hand, maybe it’s a misplaced attempt at maintaining their privacy?
I’m guessing it’s a niche thing easily recognized
The boring answer is that it’s just not important for the story, but I chose to believe that it’s about an old denty disheveled dildo with a handcrank.
Rhymes with Bilbo?
/s
It’s not about the item whatever it is, it’s about your reaction to it. This was something your spouse got you to show you that they love you; they bought something they thought you would want and need because they see you using this item all the time. It doesn’t matter that they know you like using old things - for them the thing they got you is an expression of their love for you, and your reaction (lets return it, I don’t want it) is like rejecting their love and is insulting.
I don’t know how you said it to your spouse but the way you’ve described it here your reaction sounds like it was entirely factual and emotionless. It may not be what you’re saying but how you said it that is the issue. Did you acknowledge how kind and thoughtful the gift was? Did you acknowledge what it means to get a nice gift from your spouse before saying that actually it’s not something you’d use?
Instead of seeing it as a tit-for-tat exchange and the same as you gifting t-shirts, you need to understand that this was a personal gift from your spouse. You also need to acknowledge you’re difficult to get gifts for because you like old things. You’re not the bad guy for wanting to return the item, you’re likely the bad guy for how you’ve gone about it and hurting your spouses feelings in the process. It may be that you’re not an emotional person or have difficulty reading other people including your spouse - that’s fine but you may need to acknowledge that you’ve hurt their feelings even if you didn’t realise or mean to, and apologise - that may help a lot. It would also be helpful to tell them how your mother-in-laws gift has sentimental value and you didn’t want to replace it. It may still be that you end up returning the item - but it’s far less important that your relationship with your spouse.
To piggy back off this one, because I liked it, I’d like to zoom in on the spouse’s reaction. Yes, it’s an expression of their love. But also, if they’re the sort of person that feels gift-giving is important, then they probably struggle with you being hard to buy for, because they want to get you something, because that’s how they demonstrate love and attention.
So probably they’ve been watching you, and they noticed you spend a lot of time with this item, and they thought if they got you a new or fancy version it would make for a great gift. They finally found something they know you’ll like! They’ll watch you open it, you’ll light up, and thank them for their keen insight, attention, and creativity. The perfect gift.
Obviously it didn’t go down that way, but I think in addition to just “rejecting their love”, I imagine there’s also a huge factor that is just shock and disappointment. They had high expectations, they were excited for the reveal, and what they got was so much worse than what they expected they just don’t even know what to do with this energy. They may even be a little embarrassed, both that they got you a bad gift, and at their misplaced excitement.
It’s just an emotional letdown for them, I imagine. Now depending on their emotional maturity, they may just need to collect themselves, realize this whole thing was their fault for getting their hopes up even though you’ve told them you’re not interested. They’ll realize you have good reasons to want to keep the old one, and that they overlooked the importance of it. And if they don’t have that level of mindfulness, then they may calm down, but they’ll still blame you fully.
Anyway, just wanted to point out what I expect the source of the “outsized”-feeling reaction might be. Acute, sudden onset, disappointment.
That’s entirely too many assumptions you are making it assertions you are crediting with no evidence at all.
Entirely too much for my comfort anyway
That’s totally fair! It was a little intuition, a lot of “going with the gut”, and a bit of flair, it’s true. But I figured if none of this resonates with OP at all, they can choose to ignore me as full of shit 😛
My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I’ve ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.
I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before “deciding” I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.
I think it’s god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.
For OP: This is one possible way to handle this situation, but it’s not the only reasonable one
This guy knows.
Sounds like a relationship with a fair bit of conflict avoidance? I hope you have some good relief valves…
I mean… yeah. I’m not going to hang our laundry out, dirty or otherwise, but we have plenty of conflicts and sometimes it’s good to know what is worth fighting over and what isn’t. This wasn’t.
Fair! Definitely wouldn’t have complained, but I’m a different person :)
So OP uses new printer to print stuff for the wife?
I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate.
You might’ve missed this part because it was kinda buried there. I’m not telling OP what to do or judging. But I related to the feeling and shared what I did.
The wife?
A) You are acting like an ungrateful tool.
B) Perhaps she should have held off.
Be measured in your response next time, but at least have a conservation about what you want.
We had a convo about what we want. It really helped.
We have an apartment in a nice island of walkability a ways out of town. It’s beautiful but pricy. We have very little extra space.
We dont give gifts; we give experiences. Here’s a spa day for the trip we’re saving up for next year. Can we take the gondola up to the top of the hill for that fancy-pants restaurant your mum wanted to try? Do you remember that spashy canal ride at the animal sanctuary we did the one time, and we almost lost our keys? The adorable kids “selling shells” at Yelapa? How about the whale watching where all we saw was COVID from the borrowed all-weather gear?? Ha ha ha, that sucked.
Memories store well. Pictures of chichen itza, the gondola at Benalmedana, the CN tower, the NYC WoW, they take up so little space - and the last one’s gone now - and they mean so much.
Give experiences, even if all they do is affirm the plan that you’re going to Disneyland next spring, hell or high water. I think they reinforce familial bonds and get people out of their living rooms and into climbing gear or even just a shared breakfast where they can laugh and tease and make new memories.
Now that make more sense.
unbearably twee, like an llm trained on live love laugh stickers
If this is your reaction to someone describing cute things they’ve done with their partner, I honestly feel kinda sorry for you.
This is the most autistic thing I’ve read in a month.
I have this feeling on Lemmy a lot
People keep telling me this in many situations. Sigh.
So…i hate to add to it…but my husband is mildly autistic and we’ve had this exact conflict with gift giving early in our marriage.
He sees the act of gift giving very logically and practically, which is perfectly fine, but i didnt really understand this early on in our relationship. We eventually sat down, talked about how we each felt, and it clicked that we had a disconnect on the social/emotional layer of gift giving. I saw and felt that gift giving was more of an act of showing the other person they crossed your mind; a display of emotion. On the other hand, my husband saw and felt gift giving was more about making sure the item is exactly what the other person wants, including if that item is “nothing”; logical, literal, and practical.
Sit down together and talk. Use “I” statements, keep calm voices, and dont interrupt. The goal is to express how you feel, listen to how they feel, and work together to help each other understand both perspectives.
Sigh. I’ve tried this with them. It doesn’t work. We need therapy.
Ill be honest, i agree that therapy may be needed, here.
Ive tried this with them. It doesnt work.
Im not a therapist, so take this with a grain of salt, but this is concerning to hear for me. It gives me the impression you might be closed off to your role in the conflict and the effort your spouse is putting in to understand your side (assuming there is effort to talk in any way). Talking together as a couple isnt a “Im trying”, its a “We’re trying.” “We” coming from the recognition that both sides are trying to understand the other even if resolution hasnt been found yet. Dont approach it as a “talk with them”, theyre not a dependent that needs a lecture, but rather as a “talk together” where both sides are actively heard and recognized regardless of if the other agrees. The goal is to understand the other, not necessarily to make your side heard. Once you both understand the other persons perspective, it becomes easier to find the disconnect or middle ground.
Declaring “it doesnt work” isnt trying to understand the other, its shutting things down and wont solve anything anytime soon.
And that is the first, and so far only, comment you engage with.
Because the reply is simple. The other ones require thought and energy.
They can go fuck themselves if they aren’t going to explain that. Being autistic isn’t a god damned reason for you to be insulted.
You might be autistic and don’t know it. Any of us might be.
That person is a piece of shit for treating autism like it’s a slur. And also shitting all over your clear attempt to try to understand this situation.
I would be pissed if someone did that to me and then makes me out to be some villain because they fucked up on their gift.
I didn’t say it as a slur. The fact that you took it that way says more about you than me. The situation described is textbook autistic behavior.
I didn’t take it as a slur
You didn’t explain it or provide any additional context. You used it exactly as it has been used, word for word, as is used when it’s being used as a slur.
I was clear to say without an explanation it is a slur.
I’m not feeling insulted. Moreso just recognized. I don’t think autism is an insult.
I’m the same way with things, but I do think you handled this poorly. When people do things like this for me, also knowing I’d prefer to keep what I have or fix it if it’s malfunctioning/broken, my response is usually something along the lines of: “Thank you! This will come in handy when I can no longer use the one I have now. I’ll keep this safe until then!”
As someone else pointed out, they probably had a very good reason for getting that for you. When my lady bought me a new cell phone and I said basically what I wrote above, her response was that while she understands my current phone works, it doesn’t always work well, and she’d like to have longer, more meaningful conversations with me while I’m out of town. I asked her what she meant, since I saw no problem with it. She said my current phone didn’t keep a charge very long and the microphone wasn’t great. I learned that she called me less often than she’d like to because she felt like having me repeat myself and having to stop my work to charge the phone while having our talks was a bother to me, so she figured this would fix both of those problems. I swapped the service to the new phone immediately. She was elated, I was happy she was happy, and honestly I have a great phone that lasted two days on a charge for over a year. I also rarely have to repeat myself now, and didn’t realize that I was, in fact, bothered having to repeat myself until I didn’t have to.
Win-win, but you’ll never know if you shut it down.
Good take.
They want to improve your life by giving you something which is not broken and assumedly works better than whatever you’re using now. You are rejecting that because of your insistence that things must be old. They know you will never get it for yourself, and maybe they think you’re just being cheap. It probably hurts them seeing you use what to them looks like a piece of crap. It’s really hard to say without knowing what the actual items involved are In just speculating.
Knocking onto this, it could also stem from the fact that they’d like a bit more of OPs time. A new item means(presumably) less time trouble shooting and repairing, more efficient use, and less time having to correct the items mistakes. That additional time is some of what they are lamenting not being able to get.
It’s not so much an insistence that things be old. I love refurbishing old things and making them work for me. Just cooked breakfast on a pan my wife and I found in the trash! I treasure items like that more than something I merely threw money at.
For example; I could have a laugh with a friend: “Check out this brand new pan we found in the garbage!” Vs. “Yeah, I went to Walmart and bought a new pan.”
One of my favorite vintage shotguns took me a month to refurbish, make it mine. Promise you’ve never seen one like it. It was all of $200 (parts, stain, every little cost). I’m far more proud of that than the any shotgun I could have bought at the store.
Anyway, I understand OP. But he still shouldn’t have insisted on returning the damned thing.
They literally said the old one still “works just fine”…
And it seems clear from the text that it’s a 3D printer
The text makes clear that the 3d printer was an older gift that they enjoyed (which they enjoyed building)
Yes, and:
“For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have.”
Seems clear that the gift was a replacement printer?
They said only that it is “a thing they already have” there could be literally anything, though they said it was dented which makes me think it’s not a printer
The 3D printer was previously gifted by the spouse.
This new gift would replace something gifted by OP’s mother in law.
They’re different things.
A super old sex doll may be harboring microbes that could get your partner sick. Take the hint and accept the new one with some grace and class. Your mother-in-law is probably ok with it.
this is the only explanation as to why he wouldnt say what the item is.
the “dents” part makes me think its a fleshlight instead of a full fuck doll, though.
I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.
The sentence that finally got us on the same page:
“I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don’t necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event would be without the surprise.”
This finally got them to stop trying to find a right way to surprise me, and just make a judgement call whether the surprise was worth making it a little less nice for me.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there’s a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
I couldn’t agree more. A cute little toy or gadget? Sure, surprise me. New laptop, car, washing machine, furniture? What the fuck, why would you surprise someone with that, if I’m to use it I want a say in what kind it is and that we didn’t waste money on bullshit. It’s not even that I don’t trust others, just that I feel left out. A simple “hey, the washing machine broke, I found a good one and I think ill buy it” is enough.
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
Wait, so no surprise brand new cars with a giant red bow for Christmas like they show in the commercials? /s
Seriously though, this is a pretty good rule. I may have to talk to my spouse about doing something similar.
Wait, so no surprise brand new cars with a giant red bow for Christmas like they show in the commercials? /s
Haha. That is the perfect example. Just seeing those commercials makes me feel uneasy.
Haha, you and me both. I don’t have too much trouble with surprises, but I think those commercials are super weird and out of touch too. Maybe it’s a class thing, since I don’t know anyone who has ever given a brand new car as a gift. Shrug.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there’s a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
This part is important. I touched in it a little in my comment to OP as well, but it’s easy to forget that a relationship is not only about how you show love, but how you accept it. I’m glad you’re able to accept some surprises and I’m glad your partner has accepted that not everything should be a surprise. It’s a good compromise!
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same.
This point stood out to me. I’m assuming that you verbally established a “no nerdy t-shirts” rule, but did not verbally establish the “no new items” rule. If it was only implied, or you felt it was obvious to not buy you new gifts, but did not explicitly establish that rule like you did for the t-shirts, then it is not the same. Neither of you are bad or wrong for the moscommunication, but this is a great opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about gift expectations for each other.
Why should they get to be upset about it because it’s a gift, yet the item being replaced with not something similar in style but different, but a literally new version of beloved gift, is supposed to be discarded without any thought about that gift.
Like what the hell is that logic. That gift you love and use all the time without ever mentioning a problem with is not good enough for my liking, replace it with MY version of it or you will hurt my feelings and that majes YOU a bad person for my feelings getting hurt.
Sorry but f that logic say I’m sorry I didnt know it meant so much to you.
They should be made to answer, in front of the mother in law, why and how the perfectly loved and valued watch needed to be replaced
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don’t want the gift. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.”
Do you care about the person you want to give a gift to? Do you trust and believe that they love you and them disliking a gift isn’t an indicator that they dislike you? Then humbly accept that your gift wasn’t the right one, and work together with them to find something they would prefer instead.
It isn’t difficult if you just talk with each other. Sometimes people pick bad gifts. Sometimes people are sentimentally attached to items. Sometimes people are very practical and have a “if it isn’t broken, it doesn’t need to be replaced/fixed” mentality that supercedes other considerations. Me, I have the opposite extreme. Even if a gift I receive is nothing something I have any intention of using, I feel obligated to find a space and use for it as a show of appreciation to the person that gifted it to me, because I wasnt owed the gift in the first place and I have gratitude they were thinking of me. That can be (is) unhealthy in an entirely different way.
But even if you think a gift is dumb and wrong and it’s an insult that they even gave it to you, if you love that person you swallow that pride and let them know you appreciate what they were trying to do but that they got it wrong this time. This can be done gently instead of coldly. And I am not saying OP had done it coldly, maybe the gift giving partner has insecurities they need to deal with. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. Understanding why the gift giving partner would be upset that their gift was snubbed only takes a hint of empathy to understand, though. On the other hand, it’s also easy to understand why the receiver would be confused why the gift was chosen in the first place, with the information provided. Both are missreading each other on different points.
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don’t want the gift. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.”
Yes that’s why there is a problem with the reaction wanting to return the gift. Maybe we didn’t understand the same thing.
The giver was hurt because the reciever expressed that they didn’t want the gift so they should return it because it won’t get used. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.” There is no indication that how you phrased this isn’t exactly what op did. Unlikely, but we don’t know any more than after expressing they don’t want a new version that they suggested it be returned. To me that says I’m sorry but this was a waste and I don’t want your effort to be wasted.
If this was an acquaintance and not their partner I could see it differently, maybe. I’m trying not to make assumptions about anything here and using the post on its own merit. So as far as I’m concerned OP didn’t do anything wrong and is confused by the hurt reaction. Coming here to try and get an outside perspective is an attempt to get a less biased perspective on the situation which is evidence that OP actually cares a great deal about why this is a problem and is literally asking us to help understand.
A lot of the comments have made wild assumptions about OP “scolding” their spouse when that’s not information we know and it is being assumed.
Are you neurodivergent? If, then it seems like a clear and typical misunderstanding of expectations.
If not, consider if you might be 😉
Peer reviewed ✅
