self-explanatory!!
The ability to stop pooping for three days.
You have to post about it online and keep the community updated on your progress, becoming the first widespread Lemmy meme
Each day you don’t poop, you lay an egg that hatches into a random monster. The egg is indestructible.
You already can – immodium
Or just some painkillers. I had surgery seven or eight years ago and I still remember how badly I wanted to shit by day three and it just wasn’t happening.
But when you eventually poop your in the middle of human a human centipede
The ability to talk to animals
You can talk to animals now. I think what you mean is you want them to be able to talk too.
But only about collecting stamps.
Your already can talk to animals. We all understand you.
You can talk to animals, but it includes insects and birds… and you can’t shut their conversion out for some peace and quiet
Imagine going outside during spring. All animals are just yelling “I’M SO FUCKING HORNY!”.
you can talk to animals, but they don’t want to (they are very prejudiced)
You can talk to them but they can’t understand you.
This is just reality
Everytime you talk to an animal, every moving living being around you looks like the animal you talked to.
The ability to touch a book to instantly know its content.
Turns out, the books you touch are actually quite satisfied and content.
It only works if you touch it with your penis.
There are no downsides. Perfect.
The title of the book appears somewhere on your skin, and if removed you will forget any knowledge from that book, whether you obtained it through reading or your power. The titles must be legible, and cannot overlap.
but you must feel a paper cut from every single page of knowledge
Better print smaller then!
ooh, good thought! guess you could upload books and print them in nano-sized font
Every book you encounter will always be written in a language you don’t speak.
… but every page becomes blank just before you touch it.
Clear anyone of debt just by thinking it.
Their debt transfers to you.
And then to you…
And then to an orphan somewhere. You monster.
The debt alwaye gets randomly assigned to another person
OOF.
Carefully used this could still be worth it.
removal of debt happens by way of destruction of banking infrastructure. this may or may not be related to other harm
– this is actually how quite a lot of people got debts cleared on 9/11 (this was before offsite backups)
no downsides whatsoever
The ability to read, write, and speak every language
You become deaf and blind
God damn it
It would be less efficient, but people who are deaf-blind can access the Internet and communicate using a refreshable Braille display. In-person they can communicate using an interpreter using a special sign language.
granted. you can understand everything, but when you respond, you choose wrong (related, but not mutually intelligible) language every time
I can reverse any moderator actions.
You’re an admin on reddit
Who modded a banned subreddit back in the days…
Ability to secrete custard from my hands at will.
Only when orgasming
this just makes it even better
Can’t make custard without 'ard!
You constantly forget to wash your hands.
Your mouth becomes sealed shut for 8 hours whenever you secrete custard.
Hah! You clearly don’t understand the power of refrigeration.
My new bedtime routine would be filling up the custard freezer.
The custard is rancid.
Impossible!
Even fantasy there is no reality where custard is not delicious 🤤
Will calls the police and you are arrested.
I can summon food by saying its name.
You consume the calories of every food by just naming it.
Top life hacks to never starve.
Finally, a solution to stop poop for 3 days.
But the delivery guy still wants money for the food you ordered.
You take it from the hungriest person about to eat it, assuming there is someone at the time. You cannot turn this ability off, and it happens even when you aren’t referring to the food. I hope those birthday cakes taste good, you monster.
Stopping time
but for everyone, including yourself.
Fuck
Oh no, you’ve doomed us all.
But unfortunately you can’t start it again.
gg
It restarts at random.
You stop time for yourself too.
RIP
Time stops for everything that isn’t you, including air. You leave a vacuum everywhere you go and can never stay anywhere for long.
Perfect timing.
Except you feel the need to always respond to everyone else’s conversations. Your timing is impeccable yet everyone comes to resent your witty remarks.
ability to instantly know exact composition of a substance just by looking at it
deleted by creator
Or spelled out by Robert Loggia
even better
I can obtain any super power just by thinking about it.
The ability to think is lost
Damn. So, does that mean I just die?
When you have obtained your superpower, you lose your ability to obtain any new superpowers.
So I get to chose one super power, but I lose the ability to think so it renders any powers I’ve obtained essentially useless? Man, this js the most realistic super power conversation ever. So realistic it’s quite scary!
.
Teleportation by thinking of a place
It will only teleport your body, not your clothes
Thats a obvious oversight by me. Worth a try still.
Plus, I can go anywhere instantly as long as I’m in private.
I think you win. Easiest side effect to deal with. You could have go bags all over the world.
Jokes on you, I don’t wear clothes.
You are unable to control the ability and will teleport even when you are just be reminded of a place.
this includes extraterrestrial and fictional places
The first time you go to a church and actually understand what they’re saying as a child, you go to hell
Thinking includes dreams and nightmares. You wake up in interesting places.
Does not teleport your cloths.
Ehh. Just look up pictures of nude beaches or something.
Hm, I’d still take it
You don’t teleport to the place you’re thinking of.
As you get older you keep thinking back to places that no longer exist.
That place is the time you walked in on your parents having sex.
You will arrive naked only - with an urgent need to vomit.
You can’t stop it from happening. Anyone can get rid of you just by mentioning a location which makes your brain think about it for a brief moment.
Ability to transform into a dog that shoots bees when it barks
Bees come out of your eyes
Your eyes are 10 feet wide.
Nope, hard pass
But you have to guard an old billionaire’s mansion.
The ability to read another person’s thoughts by looking at them.
Granted, but your thoughts are transmitted to the person looking at you.
Is that a bad thing 😏
